Polygamy: Some Points To Ponder

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Sage
Polygamy: Some Points To Ponder

I found this post this morning in one of our forums ( http://www.4thefamily.us/node/12294 )underneath a few posts but I wanted to share it more publicly. This is some great advice from our member Justin.

Polygamy: Some Points To Ponder
Submitted by Justin on Fri, 10/11/2013 - 01:59.
Dear All,

Polygamy is not much different than monogamy except that it adds a dimension of complexity and opportunity. Consequently, what is proper in monogamy is even more important to practice in polygamy.

From being in polygamy circles (Christian ones at least) I see that what is needed is a moral code and a level of integrity that befits our calling.

Being called to polygamy is like being called to be a bishop in a church. You have to be above reproach and blameless. The standard that we must aspire too is even higher than those who practice monogamy.

Right now, Many do what is right in their own eyes and there seems to be no baseline code of conduct that is even remotely followed. I really believe that until a group of people come together and start to live poly in a reasonable manor that our cause will remain small and reviled.

If we wish to be taken seriously, seriously enough to attract the kind of families and single women that can strengthen all of us, we must start to walk worthy.

People don't seem to want to hear that there should be a moral and ethical basis for what we do or a standard from which we operate. However, anarchy does not work in monogamy so why should it work in polygamy? Why do people in the normal world have to act within certain parameters to be part of civilized society but people who want to take on another wife need not do the same?

It is time to come together and stop being islands unto ourselves so that we can become part of a society that works together to live the lifestyle we have chosen. The type of women that we want to find are not going to be attracted to something that is so chaotic, unstable, and morally insecure.

So what shall we do?

1. Do not talk about sex or sexual preferences with women you have just met. If you do then you are not really serious about polygamy or the woman you are taking with. It degrades us all.

2. Do not talk about the earning potential of a sister wife. You are not dating to find an extra source of income for your family. This is crass and makes the woman feel like she is being selected for profit rather than character and personality.

3. Do try to get to know the woman's character, viewpoints, sensibilities, dreams and desires. Make them know that you are interested in them as a person first and foremost.

4. Do not be looking for a sister wife unless your wife or husband is "fully" on board and is in it with you. Polygamy has to come from a place of unity and common commitment or else you will run the risk of really messing up someones life.

5. If you are a Christian do get God's permission to seek polygamy. Not everyone is cut out for this lifestyle and if God is not in it with you then you will probably not succeed on your own.

6. Don't lie, stretch the truth, be coy, or otherwise falsely represent yourself at any time. Have confidence that if a woman is meant for your family that she will be able to accept the truth.

7. Consider meeting quickly in real life rather than carrying on a multi-month or multi-year relationship that goes from "hi may name is" to "your my wife" online. You can't know someone online like you can know someone in person. If a family or woman is not willing to meet after a short time it probably means they are not ready for polygamy. Meeting in person in a safe and public place will let you know if the relationship is worth continuing online. Even if you have to fly half way across the country to find this out the time and heartache you will save yourself is well worth it.

8. Men, respect each others families and women. Do not talk to or approach another mans wives or even women that you know they are dating. Have some class and show your brothers some respect.

9. consider the practicalities of having another wife. Make sure you have the homes or at least the square footage in your present house to keep them. Consider that the woman coming into your family will need, at some point, to build some assets too for her financial security. Have life insurance and a will made up to protect your wives and children should something happen to you.

10. The bottom line is that anything that would make a monogamous family prosper is doubly important to consider when you are running a poly family. Love, respect, consideration, fairness, and all the other characteristics of holy matrimony need to be present in spades for those who wish to be successful polygamists.

Blessings,

Justin

"Listen, Hear,and Obey on time"

Rock
comment

Comment: 

I enjoyed the post and I would like to make some simple comments.

Many people involved in poly or considering poly have very strong opinions and at times become (in my opinion) over-zealous and speak authoritatively.

Much of the post is good common sense yet there are many points that are set forth as 'absolutes' and they are not. I am not going to identify the particulars....except to note that many points in the post are based on fear and insecurity....and the feeding of both.

in short:

Polygeny is the same as monogamy in this regard: The relationship is yours to define. What feels right IS right. ..but of course, being honest with oneself is the greatest of challenges.

This life is an experience...and you are the architect. Whether it brings you pain and suffering or it brings you peace and joy.....the author, the actor, the judge, the jury, and the executioner is you.

If your poly relationship is heaven or hell....it is your creation.

Justin (not verified)
We Should Not Fear Absolutes

Comment: 

Dear Rock,

I understand your points and enjoy the spirit in which you made your comments.

As a Christian I deal in many absolutes. The existence of God is an absolute. The reality of heaven and hell are, for me, absolutes. I believe in active good as well as active evil. That is not to say that there are not grey areas, especially when dealing with human frailties...thank God for grace.

I also understand that some people do not hold my Christian beliefs and they do not believe in absolutes. For them morality is a fluid notion that is very situational and expedient in nature.

What I believe may be best to consider, though, is that their are some codes of conduct that are profitable no matter what belief system you may hold. For instance, lying to another person is not profitable when dating. Making salacious sexual comments or innuendos to a woman that you have only just begun to chat with is inappropriate ...always. These are the types of areas that we should all be able to come into agreement with despite our different belief systems for, as you said, they are merely common sense.

What I have written was merely suggestions that might serves as a starting point for hammering out a code of conduct that those who wish to engage in polygamy might consider. Having lived in polygamy for 23 years I have come to understand, through experience, that some things are profitable and some things are not.

Anarchy does not work...ever. I suppose that is another absolute that I might offer for consideration. Societies cannot function in the absence of rules of conduct and therefore, since polygamy is a subset of society, it cannot function without some sort of code either.

In cultures that have practiced polygamy for generations there are cultural norms that are followed based upon what their society has found works. However, since our western society has no long standing traditional of plural marriage we are left to our own devices because we have no tried and true road map to success. Therefore, I suggest that we make our road map and hammer out something that works for our time and clime. Let us bring our lifestyle out of chaos and into some semblance of normalcy that can benefit everyone.

Polygamy is marriage (so says Merriam-Webster anyway). It is not wife swapping, swinging, or free love. Therefore, being marriage, there are some absolutes that fall into place just as in regular monogamy. Fidelity, trust, commitment, honoring one another, responsibility etc. All these are fundamental attributes of any successful monogamous marriage and are equally, if not more, important to practice in a poly marriage.

If these things seem abhorrent to anyone then I would suggest that they are not really interested in polygamy as a state of matrimony. If fidelity to your spouse is something that seems too onerous then perhaps you are looking more for temporary sexual partners rather than life time mates. If being up front and honest about who you are and what you really want seems to be a burden then perhaps you are a player rather than a real suitor.

The bottom line is that we are engaging others in ways that can affect their lives very positively or very negatively. Given the possible consequences we should want handle our interactions with the utmost care so that we do no harm to each other. If this most basic of human considerations is not met then we must ask ourselves, "are we worthy of polygamy?"

Blessings,

Justin

"Listen, Hear,and Obey on time"