Need opinions...

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alwaysnumbertwo
Need opinions...

I met my boyfriend in high school, but lost contact after high school and then reconnected 20 years later when he already had a girlfriend.  His girlfriend and I hit it off, became best friends, and things progressed to where we were all always together and where we were both dating our boyfriend.

A little about me... I tend to give people chance after chance after chance after chance, but once I'm done, I'm done.  I give it all I have until there's noithing left to give and no reserves left to take from.  I have children from a previous relationship.  When we first started out, I was okay with poligamy, because this is the man I've loved and thought about for the last 20 years.  I'm not sure I can handle poligamy anymore.

A little about the boyfriend... he's Autistic, but just a bit.  He's the sweetest, kindest, man there is.  He's a real toughy, but he's got a gentle heart.  He makes out like nothing can hurt him, but he does get hurt deeply.  He's ridiculously optomistic, especially when it's for something he wants.  Have two girlfriends is one example.  He is all for poligamy.  He has a child from a previous relationship as well.

A little about the other girlfriend... she's a mess.  She has PTSD from a former abusive relationship and she's used to geting her way.  She's very insecure and territorial.  There are nice things about her, as well, but for the last year, I have barely seen any of those nicer atributes.  She tells him that she's all for poligamy, but she tells me that she hates me and wants me out of their life.  I believe she started off thinking more along the lines of poliamory, but when the boyfriend and I didn't both worship her and love her most, she backed out, wanted me gone.  Our friendship fizzled after that.  Whenever she didn't get her way, for ANYTHING, she'd threaten me to leave him, knowing I'd fall in line real quick because I didn't want to see him hurt.  She is very unstable.

For the last year and a half, our relationship consisted of the two of them living together and me coming over on the weekends.  They were the "official" couple both on Facebook and in public, because the boyfriend's child's mother is crazy and would have kept him from him.  By default, she had 6-7 days mostly alone, and I had one day, usually with her dominating it.  They spent holidays together, would come over for maybe an hour to spend some time with me.  They went all-out on their anniversary, he wasn't allowed by her to acknowledge my anniversary.  If she worked overnights on the night I came over and we had sex, she would grill me after on how it was, to make sure he wasn't giving me more quality, nor quantity than she was getting.  And she would tell him what he was allowed to do with me in bed and how he was to do it.  We weren't allowed to talk about anything if she wasn't right there.  When it was the three of us, she would dominate the conversation, if he kissed me, he'd have to kiss her right before AND right after he kissed her, so that both her and I knew that he loved her most.  If he called me to say goodnight, she would be sitting right next to him on the phone listening to every word and most of the time, injecting herself into the conversation.  I sent him a love note once and she freaked out because we were "having secret conversations without her" and I was "trying to get him to dump her and be with me instead".  She's allowed to marry him, have children with him if it were to happen (she's infertile) and live with him, I was not.  I always sat in the back in the car whenever we went somewhere.  I found out recently that the reason why his son never listened to me was because for months, she had been telling him that he doesn't have to, because SHE'S the stepmother and telling him all the reasons why she hates me and I'm a horrible person.  I got pregnant last year (unplanned) and miscarried last Thanksgiving- he was not allowed to come to me while I was all alone in the hospital, because she threatened to leave him if he did.  At some point, he decided he wanted to buy a duplex.  He didn't, thank God.  His plan was for them to live on one side, me to live on the other, so he could see me whenever she wasn't available.  I almost fell for it, but then the other girlfriend started having issues.  Basically, I was the glorified side chick.  Too many details to go into, but she verbally and emotionally abused and buliled me for a year and a half.

About a month ago, the other girlfriend started going over her step-brother's house.  Long story short, I would go over their house Saturday night, and she would go leave to hang out with her family.  She made it like this grand gesture- I'm gonna let you guys have some alone time- but in reality, she was messing around with her step-brother and I was the cover.  I knew that, but I couldn't say anything, because it would have hurt the boyfriend deeply.  It came to a head when I was sick with a high fever and couldn't come over and she threw a fit because she had to cancel plans with her step-brother and was gonna have to spend the night with the boyfriend instead.

They ended up breaking up a few days later.  Or to be more specific, she dumped him and moved out before he came home from work.  I told her before, if she leaves, she cannot come back, that's not fair to anyone to jerk us all around like that, so if it's worth staying for, then stay and don't leave.  She left anyways.  He told her when she dumped him that if she walks out, she cannot come back.  She left anyways.

The house was destroyed.  Me and my boyfriend spend the next weekend cleaning and scrubbing it.  The litter boxes from three cats looked like they'd been dumped on the floor and spread throughout half the house, there were old food and dirty clothes and assorted garbage mixed in with all her stuff that she'd left, moldy spoons and forks from where she'd left them under the dirty clothes and such in the bedroom, etc.  It was horrible.  He'd financially supported her for over 4 years and.. she had a real problem.  She was like a child who needed to be 100% taken care of.  Moreso than either of us realized.

People were calling me names in public, "somebody" called the fire inspector and the health department about the place I work, and "somebody" complained about my customer service and suggested I be let go, only they got the day wrong and it wasn't a day I had worked, so my boss didn't take it seriously.  She was blowing up her Facebook so bad about me and the boyfriend that both of us had to block her.  She went to his child's mother and told her "everything", which almost got the boyfriend to lose his child for that weekend, if not longer.

We unblocked her after a few days because there were things she left that she might need at some point.  She contacted me first, gave me a load of bull about how she's glad I'm there for the boyfriend and take care of him for me.  Then she contacted him and they started texting constantly.  He said it was because he wanted closure and because he was afraid she would hurt herself.

He was hurting at first, but I was there for him.  He means the world to me and I was doing everything in my power to help him through.  I thought I was doing an okay job at it.  He started making me promises- we'd be unbreakable.  We'll get an apartment together, make a life together, just the two of us.  We're a team.  I'm his soulmate.  I'm the one, I've always been the one.  He and I are better together than him and her and he thinks she knows it and that's why she left.  We wlill always be together, he will never let anyone or anything hurt me or get in the way of us.  He made so many promises along those lines and I was stupid enough to believe him.  I wasn't happy that he was hurting that she was gone, but I was so happy that now I'd actually be allowed to love him and be  loved by him and I was so happy that with her gone, MY hurting would be stopped.  I had a year and a half of hurting every single day and it had finally stopped.  Or so I thought.

5 days after she destroyed his (and my) life, she told him that she wanted him back and he accepted.  He didn't bother telling me- I found out when I saw him responding with a kissy face to one of her texts.  He never asked me how I felt about it, never asked me if it was okay, just told me that the two of them had decided to work on things.  At first, he would tell me that he wants to try with her, so that he knows he gave it 100% to fix it.  He would tell me that I'm his #1 and he trusts me more than he'll ever trust her, that I'm his priority and she's gonna have to accept that she cannot act the way she did with me before.  Last night, he told me that I've got to bury the hatchet and forgive her, because he loves her and he's not giving her up.

He says the three of us will be sitting down to talk soon.  I know what that means- the two of them will be breaking it to me that they're officially back together and tell me what the rules are.  She's being compliant right now- "anything you want, dear", because she knows that if he takes her back, he will NEVER kick her out and he will NEVER break up with her and risk losing her again.  I told him that I cannot handle dealing with her again and I told him that I'm not even sure poligamy is for me, even if by some magical occurance she's perfect from now on.

I understand his point of view- he loves her and wants her back.  She's the love of his life.  And he thinks that he is the love of her life, but I know for a fact that that is not true.  SHE is the love of her life.  He loves me, too- I understand that he feels torn and he wants everything to go back to exactly the way it was before.  He doesn't understand that it can't.  He wants poligamy, but the other girlfriend and I have agreed (one of the only things we agree on) that both of us cannot coexist.

Unfortunately, he's the love of MY life and there is a very good chance that I will need to leave him so that I don't completely lose myself.  I will hurt him leaving, but that will pass- he will have the other girlfriend at his beck and call, at least for a while.  If I stay, I will hurt every day for the rest of my life.  I need somebody who will be there for me, every day, somebody who won't expect me to put up with being less, or look the other way when I'm being treated unfairly.  I need someone who can commit to me, not just promise me the world, then take it back when his real girlfriend comes back.  I'm not trying to be difficult- eventually, he will get rid of me because I'm not being supportive enough of him in this- but I'm just at the point where I can't do this anymore.

Any advice for me?  For him?  For her?

MasterDenver
Ouch

Comment: 

Can u say RUN. In my opinion a woman deserves a want that wants and needs her. If you are in a polygamy setting it should be the same with all the wives and husband. Games like this should not be played in any relationship.

The Accountant

Savrula
Savrula's picture
I am really sorry

Comment: 

for all the hurt you have gone through.  My female thinking is this:  This is your story so you are telling it, I am sure if the other woman tells her story it will be different.  I am not saying you are wrong or not telling the truth but it is your side and your feelings only (two other sides are not presented here). 

in polygamy what I hope for if me and the sisterwife have issues that our Husband sits us down and we all talk about the issue and no one is getting up until it is resolved because we should love and trust that is one for all and all for one. (sincerely).  she can't have children so I think that added to her fire seeing you as a threat because you can provide.  Two sisters should be equal and treated equally by the husband.  Polygamy done right requires a very emotionally strong and fair man, not everyone can do it.  Some men will love you but can't use their brain over their hearts and can't defend you.  You can't control his heart and even if he likes one more being it you or her, the treatment should be the same 100%. no woman like to be second (I think this is where most of the problems arise) - it should be each 100% with him, and he is divided into two.  no one should feel threatened as we should complete each other. I know that sounds like a fairy tale but it can be done.  BOTH sisters have to agree to be in this loving relationship, threating to leave is a sign of trouble and trouble should be sat down and talked about and resolved.  communication should always be with the three and in agreement.  once broken hearts start to creep in, its very hard to fix.  very had.  I am sorry again you are in this delimma you can't tell someone what to do.  if you think staying will help, then your view of the whole thing has to change.  BEST of luck. 

Adriana

Pluto8
Pluto8's picture
Equality

Comment: 

Is a lie right out of communist dogma. No one is "equal" to anyone else. If what you mean to say is "fairly treated" then OK, but equality is an outright lie from the pit. And yes there are always two sides to a story

Psalm 144:1  Blessed be Yahweh my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight

Isabella
The lies they tell

Comment: 

People with low functioning critical thinking skills do not understand the basic concept of equality.  All humans have basic equal status, putting value onto something is human and therefore, an unstable concept. What is valuable to some, might not be valuable to others. 

At the end of the day, people TREATING others equally will not always work because humans, as evidenced by the last comment, are often stupid and cannot think critically.  What they place value on, even within a relationship might change, if I have two children, one might be calm and peaceful, the other a little brat.  I might value the child who is peaceful more, but that doesn't mean the fractious child is not equal and it is a personal failing of mine to TREAT them unequally because I value the personality of one more.

At the end of the day, anyone making their biases that obvious are not suitable for polygamy, parenthood or basic human civilty, better they dwell in their poison and bile, grateful no one is giving them what they seek.

B

Bigfamily
Forgiveness

Comment: 

This is a great look into your relationship.
Firstly.
You have been hurt by both of them and you need to forgive them and allow them to change and grow with time. Holding on to the past problems will not help. Try to use those hurtful feelings to change the future.
Try to understand the issues that are hidden in the other woman. Maybe she was abused as a child or even raped at some point. There could be family problems. She has to deal with her past at some point. She doesn't know how to have a relationship. He's trying to teach her.
Some ladies blow up so they can talk and others like drama, some even fight for make up sex.
You should talk with him alone and talk with her alone. It is better so nobody's taking sides.

It is much easier to share with a woman you like then one you hate.
As hard as it may seem you have to be friends or the stress will kill you. It will make you sick. If she likes you she will stop being jealous and start being more polite. She probably sees you the same way you see her.
She can't see your intentions. You must treat her how you want to be treated. You can't do that until you forgive her. Allow her to change. We all change but are judged on the past.
Tell them politely what you want and why you think it is fair.
Get over the tantrums, forget them! The other people forget them and moved forward, you should too.
She may be wanting your attention and doesn't know how to get it, she using him to try and be friends with you.
Life is never what it seems!

Another thing is don't get emotional involved with their fights stay out of it. If he tells you what's going on, let it go and have a good time with him. He will figure it out. Ask him to stop thinking about her and focus on you two for a while when they fight. It will help everyone. Don't be made when he goes to deal with her because he has to at some point. Be the breath of fresh air on his life. Eventually things will change and don't loose him over her.
Life ain't easy kid.
If you are dead set on the relationship with her being over due to hard heartedness.... There are always more options than we can see. Find a different lady that you like and introduce him to her and he will have to chose you and the New lady or the other by himself. It's an easy choice!!

Ty

Pluto8
Pluto8's picture
Funny Isabella

Comment: 

How long have you been married? Over 35 years here. Save your advice for those who want a long term single woman's advice on polygyny

Psalm 144:1  Blessed be Yahweh my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight

Apostle
Thank you Isabella

Comment: 

It's always nice to see you post your insights on things. Me personally I like seeing different constructive view points on a matter. I hope you will continue to contribute to the forums.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

Pluto8
Pluto8's picture
You, sir

Comment: 

Have nothing to offer at all. Your failed attempt at a poly marriage some years ago is proof, alone. Since that time you have sat on this site like a poison spider, interfering in other's legitimate search. My Master told it like it was even if it offended those it was aimed at. I have nothing further to say to you, so rave on  

Psalm 144:1  Blessed be Yahweh my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight

Cam777
:-)

Comment: 

Pluto my hat is off to you again, sir!

Gotta go, work is calling me back to it :P

Apostle
Savrula

Comment: 

I like your sound reasoning. I agree it is the place of the husband to sit the wives down and smooth things out. Like you said there are several sides to a story and to take sides without all sides being heard is foolish. That's why I believe it is foolish for a man to force his wife to accept polygamy. It causes extra stress when it is forced on someone.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

Lili
Re-writing my message for the

Comment: 

Re-writing my message for the 5th time here...

I can't stop y'all from behaving badly, but could you please keep your arguments to your own threads or even private messages?

As someone who found a lot of blessings through 4TheFamily, I want to see it grow as a productive place to seek advice and find community.

Flutterbug
Lili

Comment: 

You couldn't have said it better or clearer !
There are so very very many people on this site or are thinking of it that feel the exact same way. Unfortunately most of us "Out Here"
Are not wanting this to happen so no posts typically from most of us. Instead its hit and miss on messaging ... To avoid this exact thing . Unfortunately doing it this way ( Private) We all miss out on learning so many of good people's thoughts / Experiences .
Thank you Lili for making this post.

Apostle
Well said Lili

Comment: 

I apologize for allowing myself to get drug into senseless arguments. You are like the voice of reason that we need to hear from time to time.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

Isabella
Funny.....

Comment: 

I don't see how advice from an embittered monogamist with zero experience of polygamy because (apparently, you are better than everyone else) is helpful here either.

But that's just me.

..................................

Thank you Apostle for your kind words, but the ghastly specture of angry man who can't find another woman because his personality is so dreadful, doesn't make this a very welcoming place, despite the few on here trying very hard to make it so. Beware of the kind of men trying to drive other men away, there is a reason for that, my guess is that they know they can't compete. 

Take care,

B

x

 

 

Flutterbug
Isabella

Comment: 

Very well said ! :-) as well !
Many MANY people , More maybe then you realize Agree with you !
Great insight to those who may need it. Or NEED The Reminder as well