Hey! Newbies, read this...seriously.

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noblequest
noblequest's picture
Hey! Newbies, read this...seriously.

I am going to give you a little sage advice and you can do with it as you will. I will give you a little background so as to establish my credibility first.

  • I am a practicing polygamist
  • I met two of my ladies here as in on THIS website
  • I have attracted to my family many suitors in the past, most did not work which is fine but others have worked which is wonderful
  • I have real world experience rather than just theory

I am not saying that I am anything special so don't go away with that notion in your mind. That is absolutely Not the point here. I am trying in fact to help y'all because I give a damn about this sort of relationship and community flourishing rather than people being scared off or getting frustrated.

So I am just going to throw out several bits of quick advice but try really hard to not go into depth. I am naturally long winded so going to try to keep this snappy.

  1. READ! When you are replying to the advert of a single woman on here or anywhere else and the ad is years old then all you are doing is making yourself look foolish and not at all like a catch to be frank.
  2. Learn to take No for an answer. Just because you write to them does Not mean that they will reply even if you have the best and most honorable intentions in the world. No matter how great a catch you think you are, apparently they do not agree, have bad manner or are just not into you. Same goes for 'Thanks but not interested'. Leave it at that. Walk away and feel yourself better for the experience. If they are not into you the odds are that in time you would find you are not into them and that it was not a match of any kind.
  3. Fill out your bloody profile. Seriously. If your family is to attract anyone then you need to damned well flesh it out to show that there are real people behind it. Make yourself real to the people who may have an interest. Not just basics of age and number of kids. Give us some idea of who you are as people. Not your identity...do not be silly...who you are as a person, what makes you tick. What makes you fun or interesting. The same goes for the single ladies. What makes you lovable and able to mesh with an established family? This stuff is serious so give it some thought ladies and gents.
  4. Talk on the phone ASAP and most especially the woman must must must talk to each other. Whether you use a burner phone or Skype or some such make sure there is real and human contact not just text on some screen. Do it soon and make sure that there is no potential hose job on the part of a single woman (potential scams abound) and of a family (plenty of weirdos who do not have a wife playing games). Nobody needs to get conned so make sure you take precautions. If you are not imaginative enough to figure out how to manage initial contact without sacrificing your identity and safety then you genuinely are not thinking very hard. Another reason that the woman must talk early and often is that it does not matter whether a man and a new lady hit it off or not if the extant wife(s) do not approve of her. I do not give a damn what a book or religious figure told you about how it should be, people are not numbers you can plug into an equation and if you fail to listen to this warning then you will never know the harmony that you might have known.
  5. Do Not decide you are in love after a few emails and that you must have this person. Grow up a bit. This is about marriage and that is supposed to be forever. So don't go making an ass of yourself by falling for someone too quickly and turning into the creeper be you the single person or the family.

I will cut it short. There are Tonnes more things I could say but I will leave it for now. If people need guidance then for whatever my advice might be worth, I am available to talk to the seekers out there or just people wishing to understand the dynamic. We are all in this together.

Good luck out there.

4thefam
4thefam's picture
If this was Facebook...

Comment: 

I'd give this post a thumbs up ;)

Owner and developer/designer of 4thefamily.us

Apostle
Noblequest do you mind if

Comment: 

I had something to the list?  If a man meets a woman and tries to get her to talk to wife and she won't I would say move on. I was talking to a woman a few years back and she would say things like I will talk to her some when I know what to say. I asked her what happens if I get interested in you and want you to be part of family?  Her response was well we can get to know each after we are sisterwives.  When she came to visit she barely spoke to my wife. Turns out she wanted to be only wife. 

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

Imlooking41more
That's very good food for thought

Comment: 

Even though your advice is not from the Bible, it is logical, and the Bible and logic go hand and hand. Thanks for the insight!

I'm married to "Imthefirst1."

Click on my user name for more information about us.

Psalm 119:165 Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.

noblequest
noblequest's picture
in general terms....

Comment: 

I agree with what apostle said but would expand on it just a bit. If things are out of whack or suspicious then one can usually go with the if there is smoke there is fire equation.
Whether you are the single lady or the family, you have to make sure that everyone is always on the same page and that there are no secrets, no hidden agendas and none of the flakey crap that we could all bring up as horror stories that we have heard or experienced.

I have been successful in my quest but it was by dent of attention and effort and to be frank rather a lot of self examination. If you are to head a large family and be the steward of one wife or a dozen then you have to damned well deserve it.
Gentlemen...I am speaking to you specifically for a moment. Every last one of us who can pretend any sort of intellectual honesty should be able to admit to himself if no one else that he is not nearly the man that he should be. None of us is as strong, smart or as honorable as we would like and we must get to grips with the fact that if we are to be the heads or our own little kingdoms that we are all trying to create then me must never stop trying to better ourselves and make of ourselves better men. If we are to ever to recieve a bounty then surely we should have earned it.

Morality is your agreement with yourself to abide by your own rules - RAH

Garrison
too many rules, too many fools

Comment: 

good advice comes in all kinds of packages.  NQ is not religious and functions on common sense and an IQ of maybe 280.   Good if you can function the way he does.

Some people are actually religious and realize that our human aspirations need higher purposes and guidance, and can be happy with life as it is, while learning to understand other humans as they are.  I am the voice in the wilderness advising prayer and humility, hoping God will be willing to have a hand in things.

Most people who come here are idealistic or ideological.  Idealistic people have happy thoughts of a better world.  Ideological people have defined truths they are absolutely determinined to live by regardless.  The dreamers of both classes are bound to have some disappointments of their ideals, or arguments over their ideas.

And tha above constitute the mjnority, in my appraisal, of the people who blow by here, most only logging in a few times.  A fair number of frauds, even very clever frauds haunt us under various names.  Often these are people with very short statments of their interest, usually very clearly stated.  When you talk to them they don't care what your age is.  Often they are not responding real quick, saying sorry I was in Portugal taking two weeks to see my friend's wedding while I had some schmuck teaching my classes back home, and other such unrealistic lives.

In this age, the Bible says, people will be marrying and giving in marriage, with no concern for God, just doing their own thing.  Whether you believe in God or not, being realistic and responsible about big decisions is essential to good outcomes.

Garrison

noblequest
noblequest's picture
Bump

Comment: 

I am bumping this thread to get it back toward the top because very clearly NONE of the new people to the site are reading it or alternatively not taking the very good advice to heart.

Stop replying to ads that are years out of date. It is a waste of time and makes you look like a brain donor.

Do fill out your damned profile. You will never attract anyone with a blank.

Do not get hosed by game players or some weirdo that seems to be offering illegal shenanigans. If they are not willing to get on the phone or Skype or one of the innumerable free applications for talking on the web for free and anonymously ASAP then walk the hell away.

Do start talking and interacting with others in the forum and not just to slag each other off or to remind everyone for the 13th time that you are looking.

 

Now get your asses in gear and make some noise. It will attract potential mates.

Morality is your agreement with yourself to abide by your own rules - RAH

noblequest
noblequest's picture
I stand corrected...

Comment: 

I said none. I should have said most.

I just read an advert that was well done and which pointed to a good profile and then soon thereafter saw another good profile from a new couple.

The rest of you still need to pull up your socks though.

Morality is your agreement with yourself to abide by your own rules - RAH

Truthseeker101
Oh look, the monkey owns the site now

Comment: 

You gotta love the progress.

4thefam
4thefam's picture
Oh look...

Comment: 

Unrelated comments from the peanut gallery. 

Owner and developer/designer of 4thefamily.us

noblequest
noblequest's picture
Hey Look!

Comment: 

It is that back seat polygamist that got banned because he acted an ass?

Morality is your agreement with yourself to abide by your own rules - RAH

Frannie
noble

Comment: 

If you are saying that 4thefamily is the one that got banned for being a total ass, you are completely wrong. 4thefamily is the OWNER  of this site, how do I know, I have known him since we were in an old site called 3coins,  most of us left there , & 4thefamily made this site, & the day it was finished he asked myself, Red, & some other to join this site. SO if you are saying that about him, you need to get your information straight, Oh yes, I forgot to mention, Red & I have known him for about 15 yrs now .

Here to talk to friends. I am pro-poly, but am not seeking.

Apostle
Frannie

Comment: 

He is talking about truthseeker101.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

4thefam
4thefam's picture
Yeah

Comment: 

He wasn't talking to me ;)

Owner and developer/designer of 4thefamily.us

Frannie
ooh ok

Comment: 

ahhh ok, sorry

Here to talk to friends. I am pro-poly, but am not seeking.

noblequest
noblequest's picture
Tisk tisk

Comment: 

Frannie...come on. I am not lump headed.

I do not know the man as you do as I am not exactly overly social but I have been here ten years now and also was on 3coins a million years ago. No noobie here. :-)

Speaking of which, they are the ones that turned into 2wives right? Or is that someone else? I tend to forget as there have been a handful that came and went over time. I suspect actually that our man 4thefam could probably claim the title as the longest contiguous running could he not?

 

Morality is your agreement with yourself to abide by your own rules - RAH

Apostle
Noble you are correct

Comment: 

3 coins is now 2wives.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

noblequest
noblequest's picture
I don't recall...

Comment: 

What it is that did not do it for me with either of the two sites. Did they go to a pay model or am I misremembering something? I think that was it and wanting some kind of personal info as well which is a non starter for me.

I would swear there was something else that put me off though...we did have a young lady we met there that put a bad taste in my mouth with respect to her motivations I know. Maybe that was it.

Morality is your agreement with yourself to abide by your own rules - RAH

Apostle
2wives

Comment: 

Makes you pay to join. Makes you pay every year. And on top of that if you want replies back you pay monthly for a mailbox. Most of the ads if I recall are years old.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

noblequest
noblequest's picture
No thank you

Comment: 

Sounds like a hose job.
 

Morality is your agreement with yourself to abide by your own rules - RAH

noblequest
noblequest's picture
Bumping

Comment: 

I am bumping this so that it will get back towards the top if people are seahing for recent content.

Given whatever it is that caused all the posts to go catywompus recently is absolutely bound to have a tonne of people not seeing the dates on all the posts that are suddenly resurected, I think it appropriate.

What did happen by the way?

Morality is your agreement with yourself to abide by your own rules - RAH