Advice for new poly in shared relatoinship.

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IntheBeginning
Advice for new poly in shared relatoinship.

Okay, first to clarify. Not you're typical polygamist. I am a guy, and all the woman I have been with have agreed that any second or third ect... would be a relatoinship for all parties. Not just myself having multiple wives / girlfriends, but all  being equal to each other and even sleeping together. And to prevent questions, yes all woman mentioned here are bisexual.

 

   So I have a problem, and was hoping for some advice from someone more experienced. In the past when I was young, everything was wonderful, and worked out so well. While I never married I was in multiple relationships where myself and 2 or 3 women got along great, moved in together, shared a bed, ext.  Now to to various reasons, and the need to move that didn't work out for some, this is the first time I've been in a relationship that is as serious as it is now, due to the fact that I am finally settled, and looking to make everything permanent.

 

   Here's the problem. My first wife who've I've been with for 6 years, we've swore to always be together, and our relationship is all but perfect. She and I have been wanting to have a second wive for a long time, but as I said, just now stable enough were we feel we can really start living. Currently we are dating a third. At first this seemed great, but about 3 weeks in the third slowly started drifting to my wife, and loosing interest in me. Its been months since then, but we recently had an argument that makes me think that it will soon be over. However my wife states that she loves this woman, and cannot give her up. Almost as if she is expecting me to allow her to turn this into an open relationship where she continues to date this woman and have me break up with her, simply by making sleeping arangments to split my wifes time. I am not willing to do this, not willing to leave my wife, and my wife states she would never leave me.

   I'm sure there are probably a thousand questions I'm not answered yet, but at this point I'm drained. I'll update as things progress, but could use some advice. Anyone  have any idea how this could possibly play out? Or anything they'd like to say to me?

Please.

Lili
I guess it depends on how set

Comment: 

I guess it depends on how set you are in your ideas. Personally I don't see any way for the situation to work out favorably, but it seems like you are a little different from most of us here.

Maybe you could make it work by doing a set-up like a polyamorous family that works like a "web" with adults having varying levels of involvement with each other. *shrug*

I guess an important question is why are you unwilling to split your wife's time?

IntheBeginning
yes

Comment: 

That is the only thing I am unwilling to do. Hence the reason I'm trying to find any other solution.

Isabella
Welcome

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To triads in the real world!

They don't tend to last a long time because women are not robots, they tend to gravitate to one person more than the other, often it would be the husband and the relationship breaks up because the wife wants her jollies too.  This time it is you and now you feel resentful.  You need to accept that this will probably be the norm for any sort of triad you seek, it will be nice and equal for a while and then the 'third' will want one of you more than another (unless some outside consideration happens first to break you up).  Threesome bliss until death you do part is a myth.

You either adapt and have a polyamorous marriage or you force your wife to end it and then she will resent you. 

The ball is in your court.

GroverP
Curious.....

Comment: 

Are you speaking from personal experience here Isabella?   As I have no experience in this realm personally, just outside observation, I would tend to agree with you 

Isabella
PMM

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A long time ago I used to lurk on Poly Matchmaker, it used to have an extensive forum, they deleted it to encourage their paid personals section.

Every single triad on there imploded, even those who claimed they were the exception and talked about their successful threesome marriage eventually ended up this way.  Same old, same old. 'We were happy but she began pulling away from me and only seems to want him, I am so upset, she lied to me, she probably just wanted him all along'

IntheBeginning
Well balls.

Comment: 

Resentment I can manage. I don't even mind or get jealous of them getting their "Jollies". It just seems the new woman is starting to resent me, doesn't like me, not my type, doesn't want to try to make it work.

That being said even though I can handle and she would get over the resentment, I feel she wouldn't let me force her to end it too. Its one of those things where if I was to say "Its just not working out with her and we need to end it" or "its me or her pick" she would just say "I can't pick, I won't break up with either of you"... and since I'm not letting my wife go, I want to avoid an endless cycle of that. I don't know just can't seem to clear my head to think of this clearly.

Isabella
Could be fear

Comment: 

Or pressure?  I am not accusing you because I don't know you but as a woman I know the pressure of a man wanting a sexual relationship with you when you don't want it and if she is moving away from you, can you honestly say that you haven't tried to encourage or hint at more intimacy with her than she is willing?

Or...maybe she fears you will end the relationship and pull a veto card because she is not living up to the unrealistic expectation of being sexually and emotionally interested in two different human beings in exactly the same way?

If you say jealousy is not a factor or resentment, what is the issue here?  If you back off and accept her as your wife's girlfriend only and treat her with warmth and acceptance you might find that those bad vibes you feel from her would go too.  If you do this and she continues to act badly towards you, then it would be time to talk to the wife.

Rock
resentment of reason and authority

Comment: 

the male becomes the enemy in these triads because he is considered 'mean' and 'authoritative'. Strong reasoning is offensive to 99% of females in any regard.

The females band together in their 'soft world' that requires no accountablitity and insulates them from 'hateful men'.

Its the new age of wishy washy ,self oriented, hedonistic, self-deluded fruit loops.

Garrison
maybe. . . .

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but you're not going to win the case without resorting to love and kindness...... without speaking the language of the heart. . . . .

Garrison

Garrison
Basis?

Comment: 

I think that any relationship must have a "basis" for its existence, some kind of  rock to stand on, so to speak.  We can get carried about with just doing whatever we want, but we are walking on sand, quicksand maybe.

We all need some kind of guiding star, some reference that is not just transient.  Most of us have a  sort of vision of what life should be, and some set of ideas we hold as guiding principles, and we constantly set our daily course by those references.

Isabella is empirically correct about women's emotionality, and that makes triads intrinsically unstable, and that is why monogamy is in general a good idea.  The best hope for stability in a polygyny mariage would come from a strong bond wife to husband in the case of each wife.   The wives could have pleasant sociality based on other things than sexual relations, but all the bi- girls out there strike me as pretty casual about everything and I suspect the relationships are a string of temporary things, not something really long-term.

A larger purpose, like having and nurturing children, is important to any kind of marriage.

Garrison

Prendergast716
Sometimes, it's not always about you.

Comment: 

.

Lili
It sounds like you're stuck.

Comment: 

It sounds like you're stuck. In a more ideal world, your family would be the most important thing to you and your wife, and it doesn't sound like it is to her.

I have seen this sort of thing with polyamorous people. Someone in the "main relationship" (not necessarily a couple but an established group maybe) finds a new relationship or wants to maintain a relationship that is disagreeable to everyone else and ends up destroying the main relationship out of a selfish and stubborn need to keep their girlfriend/boyfriend.

Maybe you should talk to your wife about how she thinks everything will work out. It sounds like in her world everyone will get along just fine, but what happens if you find a girl who only wants you? What happens if you find a girl who wants both you and your wife but the girlfriend still only wants your wife? How complicated is she willing to allow the situation to become, and does she really expect that it will yield anything good?

Rock
tough deal

Comment: 

you've already read all the comments below. Isabella and Garrison , together, set it forth as it is.

it would be easy to say 'well you get what you deserve'...but..that isn't really a fair comment. It is very difficult to have the foresight that this is the usual result of 'triads'. ...even tho it is the norm. Any real man seeing two women together in any sort of intimate way..not even graphic...want to be in the middle of them. It is the animal instinct and it is what males do. They see two does gettin close,...and the natural thing is to jump in between them. So..it can certainly be a turn on. ...and that clouds the foresight of the usual outcome.

It is a difficult walk on the edge of a knife.

I do wish you the best, but there is no amount of advise that can truly solve your situation. ...

Some traditional poly relationships can be salvaged by turning your lives to God...more or less what Garrison implied. Any long lasting relationship needs a common foundation that is greater than the desires of the parties involved.

From what you are saying, that is not a likely solution.