I met my boyfriend in high school, but lost contact after high school and then reconnected 20 years later when he already had a girlfriend. His girlfriend and I hit it off, became best friends, and things progressed to where we were all always together and where we were both dating our boyfriend.
A little about me... I tend to give people chance after chance after chance after chance, but once I'm done, I'm done. I give it all I have until there's noithing left to give and no reserves left to take from. I have children from a previous relationship. When we first started out, I was okay with poligamy, because this is the man I've loved and thought about for the last 20 years. I'm not sure I can handle poligamy anymore.
A little about the boyfriend... he's Autistic, but just a bit. He's the sweetest, kindest, man there is. He's a real toughy, but he's got a gentle heart. He makes out like nothing can hurt him, but he does get hurt deeply. He's ridiculously optomistic, especially when it's for something he wants. Have two girlfriends is one example. He is all for poligamy. He has a child from a previous relationship as well.
A little about the other girlfriend... she's a mess. She has PTSD from a former abusive relationship and she's used to geting her way. She's very insecure and territorial. There are nice things about her, as well, but for the last year, I have barely seen any of those nicer atributes. She tells him that she's all for poligamy, but she tells me that she hates me and wants me out of their life. I believe she started off thinking more along the lines of poliamory, but when the boyfriend and I didn't both worship her and love her most, she backed out, wanted me gone. Our friendship fizzled after that. Whenever she didn't get her way, for ANYTHING, she'd threaten me to leave him, knowing I'd fall in line real quick because I didn't want to see him hurt. She is very unstable.
For the last year and a half, our relationship consisted of the two of them living together and me coming over on the weekends. They were the "official" couple both on Facebook and in public, because the boyfriend's child's mother is crazy and would have kept him from him. By default, she had 6-7 days mostly alone, and I had one day, usually with her dominating it. They spent holidays together, would come over for maybe an hour to spend some time with me. They went all-out on their anniversary, he wasn't allowed by her to acknowledge my anniversary. If she worked overnights on the night I came over and we had sex, she would grill me after on how it was, to make sure he wasn't giving me more quality, nor quantity than she was getting. And she would tell him what he was allowed to do with me in bed and how he was to do it. We weren't allowed to talk about anything if she wasn't right there. When it was the three of us, she would dominate the conversation, if he kissed me, he'd have to kiss her right before AND right after he kissed her, so that both her and I knew that he loved her most. If he called me to say goodnight, she would be sitting right next to him on the phone listening to every word and most of the time, injecting herself into the conversation. I sent him a love note once and she freaked out because we were "having secret conversations without her" and I was "trying to get him to dump her and be with me instead". She's allowed to marry him, have children with him if it were to happen (she's infertile) and live with him, I was not. I always sat in the back in the car whenever we went somewhere. I found out recently that the reason why his son never listened to me was because for months, she had been telling him that he doesn't have to, because SHE'S the stepmother and telling him all the reasons why she hates me and I'm a horrible person. I got pregnant last year (unplanned) and miscarried last Thanksgiving- he was not allowed to come to me while I was all alone in the hospital, because she threatened to leave him if he did. At some point, he decided he wanted to buy a duplex. He didn't, thank God. His plan was for them to live on one side, me to live on the other, so he could see me whenever she wasn't available. I almost fell for it, but then the other girlfriend started having issues. Basically, I was the glorified side chick. Too many details to go into, but she verbally and emotionally abused and buliled me for a year and a half.
About a month ago, the other girlfriend started going over her step-brother's house. Long story short, I would go over their house Saturday night, and she would go leave to hang out with her family. She made it like this grand gesture- I'm gonna let you guys have some alone time- but in reality, she was messing around with her step-brother and I was the cover. I knew that, but I couldn't say anything, because it would have hurt the boyfriend deeply. It came to a head when I was sick with a high fever and couldn't come over and she threw a fit because she had to cancel plans with her step-brother and was gonna have to spend the night with the boyfriend instead.
They ended up breaking up a few days later. Or to be more specific, she dumped him and moved out before he came home from work. I told her before, if she leaves, she cannot come back, that's not fair to anyone to jerk us all around like that, so if it's worth staying for, then stay and don't leave. She left anyways. He told her when she dumped him that if she walks out, she cannot come back. She left anyways.
The house was destroyed. Me and my boyfriend spend the next weekend cleaning and scrubbing it. The litter boxes from three cats looked like they'd been dumped on the floor and spread throughout half the house, there were old food and dirty clothes and assorted garbage mixed in with all her stuff that she'd left, moldy spoons and forks from where she'd left them under the dirty clothes and such in the bedroom, etc. It was horrible. He'd financially supported her for over 4 years and.. she had a real problem. She was like a child who needed to be 100% taken care of. Moreso than either of us realized.
People were calling me names in public, "somebody" called the fire inspector and the health department about the place I work, and "somebody" complained about my customer service and suggested I be let go, only they got the day wrong and it wasn't a day I had worked, so my boss didn't take it seriously. She was blowing up her Facebook so bad about me and the boyfriend that both of us had to block her. She went to his child's mother and told her "everything", which almost got the boyfriend to lose his child for that weekend, if not longer.
We unblocked her after a few days because there were things she left that she might need at some point. She contacted me first, gave me a load of bull about how she's glad I'm there for the boyfriend and take care of him for me. Then she contacted him and they started texting constantly. He said it was because he wanted closure and because he was afraid she would hurt herself.
He was hurting at first, but I was there for him. He means the world to me and I was doing everything in my power to help him through. I thought I was doing an okay job at it. He started making me promises- we'd be unbreakable. We'll get an apartment together, make a life together, just the two of us. We're a team. I'm his soulmate. I'm the one, I've always been the one. He and I are better together than him and her and he thinks she knows it and that's why she left. We wlill always be together, he will never let anyone or anything hurt me or get in the way of us. He made so many promises along those lines and I was stupid enough to believe him. I wasn't happy that he was hurting that she was gone, but I was so happy that now I'd actually be allowed to love him and be loved by him and I was so happy that with her gone, MY hurting would be stopped. I had a year and a half of hurting every single day and it had finally stopped. Or so I thought.
5 days after she destroyed his (and my) life, she told him that she wanted him back and he accepted. He didn't bother telling me- I found out when I saw him responding with a kissy face to one of her texts. He never asked me how I felt about it, never asked me if it was okay, just told me that the two of them had decided to work on things. At first, he would tell me that he wants to try with her, so that he knows he gave it 100% to fix it. He would tell me that I'm his #1 and he trusts me more than he'll ever trust her, that I'm his priority and she's gonna have to accept that she cannot act the way she did with me before. Last night, he told me that I've got to bury the hatchet and forgive her, because he loves her and he's not giving her up.
He says the three of us will be sitting down to talk soon. I know what that means- the two of them will be breaking it to me that they're officially back together and tell me what the rules are. She's being compliant right now- "anything you want, dear", because she knows that if he takes her back, he will NEVER kick her out and he will NEVER break up with her and risk losing her again. I told him that I cannot handle dealing with her again and I told him that I'm not even sure poligamy is for me, even if by some magical occurance she's perfect from now on.
I understand his point of view- he loves her and wants her back. She's the love of his life. And he thinks that he is the love of her life, but I know for a fact that that is not true. SHE is the love of her life. He loves me, too- I understand that he feels torn and he wants everything to go back to exactly the way it was before. He doesn't understand that it can't. He wants poligamy, but the other girlfriend and I have agreed (one of the only things we agree on) that both of us cannot coexist.
Unfortunately, he's the love of MY life and there is a very good chance that I will need to leave him so that I don't completely lose myself. I will hurt him leaving, but that will pass- he will have the other girlfriend at his beck and call, at least for a while. If I stay, I will hurt every day for the rest of my life. I need somebody who will be there for me, every day, somebody who won't expect me to put up with being less, or look the other way when I'm being treated unfairly. I need someone who can commit to me, not just promise me the world, then take it back when his real girlfriend comes back. I'm not trying to be difficult- eventually, he will get rid of me because I'm not being supportive enough of him in this- but I'm just at the point where I can't do this anymore.
Any advice for me? For him? For her?