Something I don't understand

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Apostle
Something I don't understand

Didn't know where else to put this. Not understanding why several women I have talked to refuse to get to know my wife. It's almost like they don't truly understand the concept of polygamy. I don't understand why if a woman wants to join a family she wouldn't want to build a relationship with the person she will be sharing a husband with. Am I nuts for wanting a potential to build a relationship with my current wife?

MasterDenver
Nuts

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not at all. it would seem strange that they would not. Unless they are hoping the current wife goes and they stay. 

The Accountant

Lili
I can see why they would want

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I can see why they would want to build a relationship with you first because a lot of women come to poly wanting a monogamous type of courtship. It's not realistic or healthy though, so it's good that you don't indulge it. Because in the end, they will have to assimilate into your family, and that will mean A LOT of time with your current wife. Not just you.

Apostle
The other thing that blows me away

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is when they ask me will you love me more than your first wife. Of course I am not going to love another woman more than I love my current wife. I will love them both equally. To expect otherwise is absolute Madness on their part.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

Pluto8
Pluto8's picture
Delusional

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Many who come to this little corner of the relationship world are delusional about the realities of poly. They simply do not understand, thinking it's just another type of relationship. I've not lived it, myself (we are very discerning and have set a high bar) but I have many years of taking to men who have and do live it, and a few of their wives, not to mention all the game players, deluded folks and a few interested real girls, both in person and on line. To put it simply, most people of both sexes (yes, Virginia there are only two sexes) on this site will never and cannot ever live poly. A few examples are single men coming here looking for a first wife. Good grief, there are MILLIONS of single girls out there, yet they come to the hardest place of all to look for one? (Most real, poly minded single girls who know the score aren't interested, if you can't even succeeed with a first wife and either win her over to the concept, or unless she wants it on her own, why would a smart girl gamble on you? If she does, you are still back to square one, seeking the hardest-of-all relationship to find and keep, a situation where many good couples have spent decades of their lives) ~~ And most females who come here come out of multiple failed relationships, yet somehow think that poly is easier to live? Well, girls it isn't, not by a moon shot. If you couldn't hack monogamy there's scant chance you are going to succeed at polygyny. Our track record of well over 30 years of happy marrriage is the kind of stable place where it CAN work, IF the miraculous happens and true compatibility is there, and everyone is on the same page. We are not holding our breath, we need that for the adventure we are currently living

Psalm 144:1  Blessed be Yahweh my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight

Isabella
Not nuts

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No, you are not nuts and should be concerned.  I think perhaps many are not seriously looking but just want a little attention from a man.

Garrison
Nuts

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expecting anything in the first place.

nah, not ragging on you or others. 

just more reasonable to deal with people as they are, appropriately and as nicely as you know how.  Be yourself, begin with accepting others for what they are.  But don't waste your time if you find you are sincerely just not interested, especially if for good reason.  ("I'm trapped in a Nigerian hotel and can't escape unless you wire me $500.  Quick!" would look like a good reason to just give up to me).  I suspect an open declaration of bi preference or open relationship would send you skidaddling as well.

I keep looking for Bels in my Smith's but it's no use.  She only goes to Whole Foods.  so where ever you shop for veggies, don't be bashful.  At least you're talking to a real woman.

 

 

Garrison

Kathysisterwife2
Love each equally???

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I have been in a plural family situation for a year now. After being in a monogamous relationship for 25+ years, 2 kids and a divorce, I wanted to be  part of a family where I felt valued but still have my space. I love my new family, as unconventional as it is and as chaotic as it can be sometimes. We have separate houses about 30 minutes apart. My problem lies in that wife 1 gave the strict rule that our husband is not allowed to love me more than her. I continually feel like an outsider. We do group activities but wife 1 is clearly the alpha even tho we each have strong alpha qualities. I try to plan outings but I am continually corrected, never feel like I am good enough. He reassures me that everything is great but that seems to only happen when we are alone. Wife 1 clearly has control. Am I wasting my time?

Joleneakamama
Joleneakamama's picture
Everyone is different

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And we are only hearing one side of your situation.
As a first and only wife, I really cannot say what I would do in your shoes, but I cannot imaging investing ANY time into a relationship where the first wife controlled the man. It matters not if it is done openly, or if she is a back seat driver, I would only want to answer to the head of the household, and he had better act the part.

My less then two cents worth.

I hope you find direction, and peace.

A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes~

Apostle
Truthfully Kathy sister

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No one can tell another how much they can love someone else. Also no one can really tell you if you are wasting your time or not. Me personally I think part of the problem is living in separate homes. It makes it appear that one of the women is a wife and the other is a mistress. Just my opinion of course.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

Isabella
What she said

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but I cannot imaging investing ANY time into a relationship where the first wife controlled the man

 

 

This ^^^  A weak man cannot lead, you are wasting your time. 

Apostle
I can not

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imagine any male being led by a woman. I know when we had a sister wife she came from a family where the women ran the house. The biggest source of conflict in our home was because she tried to rule everything. I am old school where the man is the head. Now me I discuss things with my wife but in the end I make the decision. Now over the years my wife and I have both been told by feminists how wrong it was for our household to be the way it is. But I would rather have one wife only the rest of my life then have a a woman be in charge in my house.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi