Sleeping Arrangements in a Poly Home

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YoungPolyFam
YoungPolyFam's picture
Sleeping Arrangements in a Poly Home

I'm not sure if this is the best place to post this, but if not, let me know and I'll move it to the correct location :)

​I am interested in the sleeping/living arrangements of other poly families. In our family, we are 2 distinct couples (husband and wife 1, husband and wife 2) so we do not share a bed or even a room (well... I'll get to that in a second). We are currently living in a small-ish 2 bedroom apartment, but we have tried as best as we can to create our own personal spaces. The best solution we've worked out so far is that Thomas has his own room with a large bed while Sam and I share a room with 2 single beds and we both have our own sides of the room that are very distinct to our tastes. We've found that this works out really well for all of us because we rotate who sleeps in Thomas' room every few nights which means that Sam and I very seldom end up sleeping in our room together and the space ends up being ours alone for the nights we're in there (apart from in the mornings when we need to go into our room to get our clothes and get ready).
​The trouble will come when children start entering the family (which we're hoping 2017 will be the year).

​Anywho, I'm getting off topic. What are the sleeping/living arrangements like for your family and if you have children how have you adjusted with less space?

​Thank you in advance, I can't wait to hear from you!

 

 

Lili
Hi there! I have to say, I am

Comment: 

Hi there! I have to say, I am so glad to see another plural family on the forum. Welcome!

Okay, getting to the topic at hand... In our family, we have our own bedrooms. Most nights it's husband + wife 1, wife 2, or wife 3. He is the one who rotates, although we always say he has 1.5 bedrooms since he has a share in each of ours. :P

Then we have two bedrooms allotted to children when they come. We are also hoping that 2017 will be the year. :)

In terms of space, we have a lot of space between our bedrooms. We find this works out the best for us because we have more privacy with our husband.

For kids, wife 2 has her room right in between the kid's bedrooms, and I (wife 3) have my room just a short walk from the kid's bedrooms. So we will always be readily available for them.

ryenwine
Re Sleeping arrangements

Comment: 

Hello YoungPolyFam

Sorry for the delay in making this contribution! I looked into this awhile back. I wanted to see if there was any consistent pattern in the arrangements polygamists worldwide have, especially arrangements which appear to work. Alas, I was unable to find any real pattern. This tells me that you have to see what works for you. Here are some arrangements I came across:

1) The man has the main bedroom: the wives have their own room (or rooms). They take turns in their husband's bed.

2) Each wife has her own room; the husband alternates between them, and has no bedroom of his own.

3) Each wife has her own house. The husband, may or may not have his own . He alternates between his wives' houses. Nos 2 & 3 are the preference among polygamists in the Islamic world, so far as I can tell. You will also find it in mordern China (believe it or not!) Successful businessmen over there often find that as well as their hometown, where their wife and children are, they will spend a lot of time in another city. Thus he might live in Shanghai, but do regular business in Hong Kong. It has been reported that many Chinese businessmen who are in this position will have an apartment--and a woman--in the second city, too. A home away from home, you might say.

4) Husband and wives all live in the same house. In the evening, they all gather together in the husband's bedroom, where they relax, chat, watch TV etc. At bedtime, the ones who are not with him that night, retire to their own room(s)  I saw an article online about a man in Senegal who does this.

5) The husband has a special double bed--it is double below, single above. An American chap who had a polygamy blog some years back does this.

6) Husband and wives all sleep together, "and things happen how they happen". A woman who contributed to a polygamy forum a while back (since closed down) once stated that they used to have a different arrangement: the wife whose turn it was would be with the husband, the other wife would be in a different bedroom. But they found that this led to jealousy. The new arrangement, whereby they all sleep together, solved this problem. 

As for personal spaces, your personal space doesn't have to be the bedroom. Perhaps it is best if it is not. My brother's late wife claimed the kitchen as her space. Whenever we brothers settled in to a chat in the living room, she would often (voluntarily) withdraw to the kitchen. The bedroom belonged to both of them.

 

 

bobbie lynne
bobbie lynne's picture
Sleeping Arrangements

Comment: 

In my previous relationship, we all shared one bedroom, the kids had their own room and grandma had hers.  If it was wife #1's turn at a private time then wife #2 would either voluntarily sleep on the couch or wait until they were both finally asleep before going to bed herself and vice versa.  It worked well for us, for awhile.

Apostle
That's how we did it

Comment: 

For a bit over 2 years. We shared a bedroom and bed.  There was never anything sexual when all of us were in bed.  Like Bobbie said one of the wives would stay up and watch TV or read when it was intimacy time.  It worked great for us. 

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

Lili
My question to y'all is how

Comment: 

My question to y'all is how can that be comfortable for either wife?

Theoretically I can imagine it, but practically I would hate for intimacy to depend on another wife being willing to stay clear of our shared room. Also are you supposed to listen at the door to determine whether you're welcome to sleep in your own bed when you're tired?

Apostle
It worked fine.

Comment: 

There was never any problems. Also no problem with jealousy and neither wife ever had to sleep alone.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Gandhi

TesFalcon
TesFalcon's picture
Prior problems & solution

Comment: 

In my first attempt at poly, we were in a 1,000 sq ft trailer that officially had only 1 bedroom. I divided the oversized living room add-on into 3 rooms to create 2 spaces for our 8 children (at that time). While we 3 adults shared the 1 bedroom.

At first it was whenever w whoever. However, emotional insecurity and jealousy quickly overworked me & made certain times very unpleasant so we changed to alternate nights before bedtime w the other staying out until we were finished. This worked ok, but we all complained about frequency so I was then w one wife every night & the other wife early every morning before work.

When we moved to a larger house, the trouble really began & got worse. #2 insisted on her own room. So w 3 bedrooms, 2 went to the wives, one to the daughters and the boys were sleeping in the living room (again). #2 started raising all kinds of ruckus about her "rights", keeping an increasingly aberrant schedule from the rest of the household, & actively tried to separate me from #1. She also became increasingly hostile to #1 in both words & actions as she was slipping into her depression. As you might expect, I alternated nights in each room when I was home. Yet, on several occassions, #2 would pick a fight on her night & lock me out of her room only to complain that #1 "stole her night" & I was "playing favorites". We still had date nights on alternate weekends individually even as #2 insisted on even more alone time w me via breakfasts out. Finally, #2's ex-BF (a trucker) came by. That started her down the path to leaving me & marrying him.

But none of this downward spiral seemed to have happened until she insisted on her own bedroom. A closed & locked door does more than keep children out of your things. It can be a sign of the heart as you try to shut other people out & keep them from getting to know you or being a part of the group. First she separated herself from the other wife & brooded in her macabre imagination plots against her. Then she separated herself from the family by her sleep schedule: sleep all day, dinner for breakfast, and brood alone in her room all night.

Would a shared bedroom have prevented this? Hard to say. Maybe. "That's my story & I'm stickin' to it."

Enjoy!
- TNF

TesFalcon
TesFalcon's picture
How do you know when they're done?

Comment: 

While I don't know your habits or patterns, sex can be sweaty, thirsty work. While we usually remember to keep a small towel near the bed, we usually forget about water. So, afterward, I often leave the room to get a drink for both of us while she's cleaning up. #2 would usually go to the bathroom for a quick rinse-off after. #1 would wipe up & shower in the morning. At the very least, one or the other of us would call the other wife in when we were done. No eavesdropping required.

Enjoy!
- TNF